everything i want to say / i swallow

and they’re usually a lot.

for someone whom so many people would describe as loud and easygoing, i think i’m very introverted. let this not look like i’m trying to toot a horn or place labels, personally i’d have loved that horn broken and label destroyed, but i’m actually not a people’s person. i have built a survival mode skill—wherein i adapt to any situation where i find myself in the midst of people.

have you ever felt your stomach eat itself? like the walls of your tummy folds and knots and begins to gnaw on itself? well, that’s how i feel whenever i’m in the midst of people — class, church, supermarket, public transport etc, basically any place you’d find people. interestingly, nobody would ever find out. no one knows this, i would always seem to fit in quite okay. but only the hormones making me feel anxious know, and the enzymes in my stomach (they’re not eating up my stomach, don’t worry i’m fine).

i grew up having a hard time mixing with people. i was playful as a child, but it was just at home, and these were with children i grew up with. they were living in the next house and would come to my house to play. upon getting into primary school, i realized life was different. nobody would come to me to play with them, i had to go and meet them. i found it very scary then. in my first 2-3 years of primary school, i vividly remember the first week of primary one, the rest of the years i have problems remembering. i have no memories of them because i had no friends to make memories with.

i’ve always had problems expressing myself, i believe that was a trait i got from my mom. she had/has a lot going on, but she never spoke up about it, she’d always just complain about them to me and my siblings. and i turned out like that, i wasn’t able to ask questions, defend myself or speak out. she’s the strongest woman i’ve ever known. but this would become a problem when it made me start avoiding.

my loss at expression groomed this avoidant personality inside me. i would ghost immediately i sensed any upset from anybody, or i would just ghost for no apparent reasons, i just felt the need to be detached and distant.

i wasn’t able to tell anyone when i had a problem, or call on someone when i needed help; i always felt like a lone soldier on his own battleground—i was the metaphorical human island. i mean, what’s the fun in telling your problems to someone or asking for help when there’s much certainty that you mightn’t get it? i don’t even enjoy people being in my business—it made me feel naked.

why don’t people understand that i love my empty space? why do they care too much? why are they much concerned? these were the thoughts that ran around in my head whenever people checked in on me. i’ve been looked at as being alright for almost all my life, so i’ve mastered being alone. many people have looked up to me, while i sank slowly into despair. so should anyone blame me because i’m silent? i always felt like i was doing everyone a whole lot of good not indulging them in my struggles and sadness, and did them greater good whenever i helped them when they were struggling.

but i’m changing. it’s 2024, and i’m learning the importance of friendships, relationships and communities. a lot of problems i would have averted if i had talked to someone about them, so many things i would have been better at if i had asked for help. it’s a journey, and a hard one at that. i’ll sometimes fall back to wallowing in my puddle of solitude and clutch onto my rod and chase people away. but i’m learning.

will you bear with me?